For those of us who remember or who have heard the famous lines of mush from “Love Story”, they seem now—I’d dare say at least to most of us—a bit ridiculous. They go, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” Of course that isn’t right; it can’t be.
Now that we have heard so much about the courage, the truth and the necessity of owning up to imperfection, we are conceivably more prepared to face imperfections in those we love as well. In fact we tend to face disappointment more frequently with and by those we love because in general we are more vulnerable to the letdown.
When we mythologize another person that is quite different.
We put them or see them on a pedestal and there is no place for them to fall but very far down. Celebrities are sometimes provoked to plummet by jealous bystanders. Sometimes they are dissected mercilessly by media vultures who come out to play after the celebrity has collapsed or died.
I honestly had not paid significant attention to accusations of child molestation against Jackson more than a decade ago. Perhaps this was because I was in ways thrilled by his music, his dancing, his electricity even as I was quite removed from his very huge and very involved fan base. Part of my detachment from the accusations at the time, may be due to the possibility that I didn’t want to disturb my own internal and unconscious need to protect his status, no doubt sensing the extraordinary vulnerability he seemed to have. Certainly he was fragile as I see it now, and given my being a psychotherapist, I no doubt would have been otherwise inclined to notice a guy who seemed comfortable only with children.
The HBO documentary “Leaving Neverland” is to me a carefully piece carried out with integrity. I have heard Michael Jackson say that anyone who would insinuate he would harm a child, must be evil and out for no good. I have seen myself, starting to be mesmerized by the seduction of Jackson’s words that conveyed a couple of things: One seemed to be the sense of “You have to believe me, I am hypnotizing you in this process”. The other seemed to be “You have to believe me; I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t”.
I understand the felt need to protect a fragile celebrity who is fundamentally weak and brittle. In my own family of origin my much older brothers were in the arts and I admired them at the same time that I could in spurts see their own moodiness and unhappiness. I lent myself to not letting myself see how self-involved my parents were. They were the boat that was carrying me somewhere and I couldn’t quite afford to acknowledge the instability of the ship amidst rocky waters. Michael Jackson’s current accusers worshipped and really loved him. They could also not quite afford to see the increasingly explicit sexual acts he performed with them as abuse. And they both felt responsible for doing harm also to him (as he had warned them would happen) should they reveal the truth of what was going on.
There is absolute loyalty to another person no matter what or there is enough loyalty to the truth in the relationship. My own kids, who were much less needy of supporting authority or celebrity, taught me to question the very notion of loyalty being an absolute value. Everything should be open to question and for sure should be open to the truth. One of the ways we love our children is to be loyal to their truth or a truth pertaining them even when it is inconvenient.
Michael Jackson may have “loved” children but he was too narcissistically self-absorbed to be able to really be considerate of their mental and physical health. Michael Jackson didn’t love these two boys, now men, with enough loyalty to being honest or allowing for their honesty. He made it clear, in fact, that the truth would ensnare all of them, punish them all forever, and certainly ruin Michael.
We are now the audience, the viewers, in some way the jury. If we sense that our own obligation is to let the truth in even when it punctures our own experienced need to protect narcissistically wounded people in our own life, we will try to process the complexities. As we work at being loyal to the truth, we will not insist on declaring the innocence of someone who clearly was a pedophile.
The men who have come forward deserve our loyalty. Whatever damages they are awarded, they will never compensate for the damage done to their beings, and to those who love them.
Michael Jackson’s musical brilliance doesn’t end and isn’t cancelled. What may have to be cancelled, though, is any contract any of us ever felt to hold up his integrity—an integrity he happened not to be capable of sustaining.
Your perspective is thought provoking and spot on! As debaters in high school, my kids also learned to question and Independently develop arguments and supporting material for both sides. In doing so, inconvenient truths are revealed and their opinions informed. As a result, they are less susceptible to this type of damage.
I was not raised that way. As a victim of narcissistic abuse I understand the concept of absolute loyalty, the lies we tell ourselves, and the damage it can perpetuate.